Monday, February 27, 2012

What I call a "Kalie" moment

I have a reputation of being pretty ditzy! I mispell words, I say things out of contex and I ask "stupid" questions that always make people laugh. Well I think I know where I get it from. Let me share.

Aaron and Aubrey (my older brother and his wife) sent the whole family a  picture of their nephew who was just born on Saturday. My mom showed my dad the picture. He took the phone and looked at the pic and and this was the exact conversation they had.
 Dad: "oh who is this cute baby"
Mom: "Aaron and Aubreys new nephew"
Dad; "oh, from what side of the family?"
Mom............long pause.............HAHHAHAHAHAHHA, what side do you think John?
Dad: oh....Duh. I get it

OMG Dad, dont you know I'm barren and Jesse has not been in Africa long enough to have a child born unto him!;) We had a good laugh little laugh.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Climb

  It feels like everytime I go for an appointment with my specialist I get bad news. I used to get excited to go to the appointments but now all I feel is dread. I sit on the exam table listening to elevator music in the background feeling like my heart is racing twice its normal speed.  My mind is focused on the "what ifs" and I sometimes feel like I leave my body and watch this helpless little girl sitting in sadness. As I was driving home Miley Cirus's song The Climb came on the radio and I couldnt help but cry. My journey really does feel like Im climbing a mountain. My body is sore, Im tired and rocks keep falling in my face. The alltitude is making me sick and there are cuts all over my arms, legs and hands. I just want to throw in the towell and go back down.
                                                     THE CLIMB SUCKS!


The view from the top will be worth it all!

P.S....Just got the call from my Dr.
We start the IVF process March 12

Monday, February 20, 2012

Adoption anyone?

My little brother is in Africa on his mission and he sent me an email today titled
Adoption Anyone with this picture attached.

This was his email message
"KK, if you cant have your own children, (which you will duh) just get one of these little things, sweet cuteness from heaven is an understatement when talking about aftican children.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My mini Me

Last night I offered to babysit for some friends of ours so that they could go on a date for Valentines Day. Ben has class every Tuesday night so we knew we would not be spending V-Day together and I thought it would be fun to hang out with 2 cute kids. The oldest is 3 and she is so cute and funny and LOUD! Her dad calls her Squeeky and was apologizing to me at how loud she was. LOL. I just giggle and told him I was/am the exact same way and that my dad still calls me Squawky. During the night I noticed more similarities between me and this little girl. She loved Cinderella and said it was her only favorite princess (SAME) She is very outgoing and social (same) and she asks A LOT OF QUESTIONS during movies. (SAME) Ben and I always laugh about how I ask so many questions during movies right before they will be answered. He gets very frustrated w/ me. So last night after I made cupcakes with the kids we watched Tangled. Here is a following conversation between me and this little girl we shall call A.
 A- Kalie, why is  he tied up?
Me- The old mean lady tied him up so that he cant follow her and Repunzle
A- Why?
me- Because he would take her away
A- well why doesnt he just get out of the chains
me- He is not strong enough
A- Oh ok............
A- Is the mean old lady going to hurt her?
me- A havnt you seen this movie?
A- Yes, but I dont remember
me-ok well lets just watch the movie
A- ok
A- Her hair turned brown because he cut it huh!
me- yes
A- Why did she turn to dust?
me- Because the magic hair got cut
A- How was the hair magic?
me- There was a magic flower in medicine that healed Repunzls mommy when she was pregnant and sick.
A- why was she sick?
me- She just was
A- oh ....ok
(SHUT UP KALIE!) is what Ben is usually always thinking when I am guilty of doing the same thing this 3 year old is doing. Hahaha. I texted Ben and was like "if you think I ask a lot of questions, you should watch a movie with A."
It was a really fun night and a good Valentines I came home to these....

Thanks Ben!

Hope everyone had a good Valentines Day

Monday, February 13, 2012

A very special Valentines Day memory

Valentines Day was never an exciting time growing up. I had expectations that the boy I had a crush on at the time would do something cute for me, or that I would have a secret admirer who would leave a note on my locker. Nothing like that ever happened. I had lots of friends though who would get me cards or candy so that was always nice. But I always wanted a Valentine from a boy. I didnt ever have a serious boyfriend in high school, and the few guys that I casually dated were usually long gone by V-Day. But I still dressed in pink and put a smile on my face as I watched my friends get balloons from there boyfriends. (I really wasnt as pathedic as I make myself out to be) LOL.

Fast Forward to Feb 2009. I was living in London with 40 girls and my 5 besties. There were no boys and no expectations on Valentines Day.  We had a WW2 themed party so we all dressed in vintage clothes and ate chocolate and had a dance party in the kitchen. It was the one of the funnest nights I have ever had. Lana and I went to Pizza Hut and wanted to get a heart shapped pizza to share but they were really expensive. So we just got the normal kind. We totally looked like Lesbos because we were all dressed up and alone around all these couples. We had some good laughs while flirting and taking pictures with each other. It was the first Valentines day where I just didnt care that there was not a boy in the picture. I was 18 and having the time of my life in a beautiful city. I had no idea that this was the last Valentines Day I would spend being single. I could not have asked for anything better!

                                                               Operation V-Day

We all got roses from our professors

                                                                    Me and Mishon

Love Birds!

Once again I just have to end off by saying that my Study Abroad in England was one of the
most excitng, life changing experiences that I will never forget and the friendships
I made will last a lifetime!!!!
Love you Sclomps!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Happy Birthday Little Brother

Im on a roll with blog posts (I dont really do my work at work, I blog instead!)

Today is my little brothers 20th birthday. He is on his mission in South Africa and I miss him so much! There is just something so special about our Jesse man! He is so funny, caring and just a little ocd! LOL. Even though I was mad he was born a boy, I wouldnt want it any other way!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Time for the Big Guns

I talked with my Dr today. We are moving forward with IVF. First consult in a month. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I was getting really sick of IUI's. Yay for moving forward. I am super excited. If all goes according to plan I will start the meds mid march and we will do the egg retrival 6 weeks later. My DR is aweosme and says that I am a perfect candidit for IVF because of my age and how nice my overies respond to meds. (Yay Me!) I just feel like our chances with IVF are  much higher then if we were to continue with IUI's. Actually our chances of getting pregant with IUI's are pretty slim. Like less than 10%. According to my Dr I have a 69% chance of IVF working. I like that much better then 10%. Im still kind of shocked that Im already to the point of IVF, but its also exciting. A new adventure we get to go on that will hopefully lead to a baby(s)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Negative cycle #18

I hate peeing on a stick! It always gives me a frowny face.
Curse you plastic demon!
I cant believe we have been doing this for 18 months. Im a pro at infertility.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Doesnt Seem Fair

 Yesterday after a bad day at work (had to deal with a lot of mean people) I just wanted to go home and relax. As I pulled up to my house I noticed one of my neighbors walking over to my car. This neighbor of mine is a 20 year old girl who has a 1 year old and is 8 months pregnant with her 2nd baby. Last year when Ben and I first moved in she was 8 months pregnant with her first. She was living with her boyfriend and both of them did not have a job, and had no intention of looking for one.  So while I was going and turning in my resume to every available place that could be hiring, they were sitting on there butts watching tv. (I dont know how they afford rent at our townhouse complex). They once asked us to take them to walmart so they could get some food, being the good samaritans that we are, agreed. But then it turned into taking them to the bank, taking them to get fast food and so on. After one week Ben adn I avoided them like the plague! It was like a game we played. "lets sneek out to the car so they wont see us" Eventually they backed off and we hardly ever saw them. WEll anyway they had this baby girl last March and she was so cute. At the time I had just found out about my infertility and I was like "man this is not fair!"  About 3 months later her and her boyfriend broke up and 2 weeks later she had a new guy living with her. Then in the summer she spotted me getting out of my car  and ran over saying "Guess what, Im pregnant" My heart sank! It was not fair. She had just shacked up with her new boyfriend and probably got pregnant the first week! She then asked me if I could come watch her baby for just a few minutes while she went to go pay rent. I agreed and went into her house and I instantly started gagging because it smelt so bad! There was dog pee all over the house, diapers laying everywhere and dishes and dishes piled up. Now I am not a neat freak by all means and I let my house get a little messy. But this seemed like a toxic environment. So once again I thought "this is not fair"
So back to yesterday. I was coming home from work and the minute I got out of my car here comes my neighbor and her now almost one year old daughter. I was polite and said hello and she started talking to me about how she is so tired and that I have no idea what its like to have a baby! EXCUSE ME! Yeah I dont know what its like to have a baby, but you dont know what its like to actually be PREPARED to have one,  and to have to WAIT to get one, and spend Lots of MONEY to even come close to getting one. She then gave me the baby to hold and I was looking at this ratty looking baby who looked like she had not been changed out of that outfit in a week. Crusy food all over, her diaper was full and there was mounds of dirt in her little wrinkles on her neck. It looked like this baby had not been given a bath in weeks. It broke my heart! I wanted to take that little girl home with me, clean her up and just keep her away from this lifestyle! ITS NOT FAIR! Its not fair that this mom is not giving her new  baby up for adoption when there are so many deserving couples out there waiting for a baby and this girl can barely take care of one and now she is adding another. It makes me sick!
Girls are not giving up there babies now because the government gives them support as "single mothers" and they dont want to lose that safety net. So they end up getting  free health insurence, free food and probably free housing. But even getting all that free stuff, they still cant give there kids a freaking bath!  Its NOT FAIR

Thats all I have to say about that!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Backyard Boys

I was reading this article today online and I just thought it was so sweet and made me think of my mom and my brothers. This article was writen by a mom who was thinking about what it will be like when her sons are older and the lessons she hopes they learn. Even though this was written for her boys I think it applies to all children and what parents think about. It was a nice little read and I would like to share it.

To The Boys In Our Backyard,

I know someday I will glance out the window to check on you, my sweet sons, and I won't see a crowded patch of grass filled with neighborhood children. I won't see the determined, innocent bravado of confident prepubescent boys. In a flash, in a blink, unbelievably, I will see young men with beards and overhear stories of locker room antics, weekend parties, or casual relations told by unrecognizable deep voices. I wonder if you'll long for your boyhood, the way I will. Or if you'll only look ahead, to what's cool, to what's happening, to what's next.

I wonder if you'll remember the times you would stop an intense game to let your sisters pass through to the swing set. I wonder if you'll remember how beautiful of a gesture it was to allow the youngest boy in the game to be a hero on the last play. I wonder if you'll remember the day you suffered a cheap shot, and cried, sobbed, howled, drooled like a baby in front of your buddies. If you'll remember how they ran to you, picked you up, dusted you off, and silently vowed to never bring it up again. I wonder if you'll remember the honesty, the "tell-it-like-it-is-ness" of childhood. How there is no sugar-coated euphemism for "You're too slow to be a running back" or "We had to have him on our team last time."

I wonder if you'll know just how many apple slices, fruit snacks, or crackers you all really ate. And if you'll remember on the rare occasion that our house was too neat for loads of children to eat and drink, you all made do with just the hose outside. I wonder if you'll remember there were no referees, no coaches, no written rules, no adults involved. I wonder if you'll know that the backyard code of ethics you learned were developed instinctively from your own common sense, competitive spirit, and natural ability to be reasonable. I wonder if you noticed that there were no fancy uniforms, expensive cleats, or lines on the field. I wonder if you recognized that you were inches from slamming through the old wooden fence in the end zone, centimeters from being tackled on a brick walkway. I wonder if you knew, like I did, that each day there would be an injury, an argument, quitting, then reconciliation. Long before leadership courses, sensitivity training, and peer counseling, if you'll remember that you learned fairness, justice, and teamwork in our backyard.

Someday, forever from now, I'll be making dinner, folding laundry, or hustling in from work. I'll be focused, determined, consumed with worldly adulthood. And something will stop me. Perhaps a passing glimpse of the backyard, the distant sounds of children, or the smell of mud and earth that will draw me toward the window. And with the fierceness and honesty of life, there I will be, with no you.

And I hope and pray, that if I've done this right, the memories that will flood my body will be those of your playfulness, your innocence, your childhood, forever etched on my soul. In this moment there is only deep peace, for I have always known that it is the everyday and the ordinary that make life real. And my heart will swirl with love, as I think of you, finding the divine, in your own backyard.

Written by Janell Burley Hofmann.

                                                               In my heart you will remain
                                                                    FOREVER YOUNG