The Lovely Life of a Mommy and Wife: July 2011

So I have debated doing a blog post about my baby making problems but I figure that this is now part of my life and everyone pretty much already knows. Heck, even my co workers know. Plus it is therapeutic to write down what Im feeling and I am very open with everything. So be prepared...this post might be a little TMI(but not much, I will leave out some details!;)

From the begining.....
When I was younger all I thought about was being a mom. Everyone says how little girls dream about there wedding day, and even though I was excited about that I was more excited about the babies that would soon follow. Every time I could get my hands on a baby I would. I would practically rip them away from their mothers. I couldnt resist there chubby cheeks, smooth skin and baby scent. I also loved the todlers who could actually talk to me and make me laugh by the cute innocent things they did. When I was in high school I worked at a day care for 2 years with the todlers. I loved those kids. They brought so much joy to my day. When their moms picked them up at the end of the day, a special spark came into their eyes, a spark that can only come from being reunited with your mommy. The kiddies were always excited to see me, but I never got the spark in there eyes. I would tell myself that one day I would have my own little kid who would have that special spark in there eyes for me.

WHAT IF....
I have always had a ruminating brain. I would get fixated on something and could not get it out of my head. It started as early as 2nd grade when I would get scared something had happened to my mom if she was late picking us up from school. The thought would circle around and around until I saw her white suburban turn the corner. My favorite words were 'What if' . "what if this...."what if that" It lasted through Jr High, High school and college. The "what ifs" would change depending on what situation I was in or what problem I thought was coming my way. Sometimes they were ridiculous thought patterns, but other times they were resinable. One of my biggest "what ifs" was "what if I cant get pregnant."
Now this fear came way before I even met Ben. It started in High School when I realized that my body was different. (this is the TMI moment) I was tiny and had very irregular cycles. I knew the whole process and the thought accured to me "what if I cant ovulate" My mom told me to not worry about it and that I was just irregular because I was tiny. She even asked her Doctor if it was normal for girls my age and size to not have normal cycles and he reasured my mom that everything was fine with me and it was perfectly normal. So life went on. I went off to college and had a new "what if" What if I cant find the right guy to marry. hahahaha....9 months later I met Ben and 7 months later we were married. And just like magic, my "what if" immediatly switched from getting married to getting a baby.

My Gut Feeling....
I always thought I would wait at least 2 years before trying for a baby so that I could have that time with my husband and when Ben and I got engaged we decided that it would be good to wait a year. So like many I went on BC. I was so excited about getting married and I didnt worry about having a baby. I really didnt want to get pregnant right when we got married. But in the back of my head the fear of not getting pregnant would linger. I just had this gut feeling that I was going to have a hard time getting pregnant. I tried to hide my fear by thinking Im just not going to get pregnant right now because Im on BC. So for 5 months I took the little pink pill. In June of 2010 Ben and I moved to Cheyenne. We were planning on living there for over a year because Ben was supossed to start Law School the fall of 2011. So I instantly thought it would be so awesome to have a baby in my home town where my parents could be there to help me, and by the time we went to Law school the baby wouldnt be a new born. Ben and I liked the plan and I got off BC. The minute I got off BC that gut feeling of not getting pregnant hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried hard not to think about it and let the feeling control me. But it did.

Anticipation.....
Every month brought anticipation, could this be it? In 9 months could I have a baby? But months went by and they failed to meet my expectations. I thought "ok, its normal for woman to take awhile to get pregnant" But that was not all the way true. Most woman I know only took around 3 months to get pregnant. Some took only weeks..... not saying any names (Julie) ;)
Ben got into Law School and we went a half a year earlier then we were planning. By the time we moved to Kansas I had officially been TTC for 6 months. I was scared that something was wrong with me but everyone told me to Relax, and that it will happen if I stopped worrying about it. Now I just have to say that that saying to relax and not worry is the last thing you want to hear. Its impossible to not think about it. You go to the store and you see moms getting treats for there kids, or there is a new family at church who is blessing a baby. You feel like everyone around you is pregnant except you. Like the universe laughs at you saying "hahaha you cant have one!" Its a very sad feeling.

Diagnoses....
By February Ben and I settled into Kansas and life was good. I got a good job at my law firm and got our cute little Rice. But I still needed to know if something was really wrong with me. I was going to wait because usually Doctors wont help you unless you have been trying for a year and I had only been trying for 8 months. But the little voice in my head kept telling me to call and get an appointment. So I did. And In March I had my initial exam. 5 days later i was informed that I have PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Sydrom) in other words....I dont ovulate. IRONIC huh. That was one of my "what ifs" back in High School. I was very upset about the news but in a way I was relieved. At least I knew that there was infact a problem and I wasnt completly crazy!

As of Lately.....
It has been 5 months since I found out. I have done 2 rounds of clomid and it has not worked. I am now on metformin which is supposed to help me ovulate. I go to the doctor every month to see if my eggs are maturing and as of right now they are just NOT! In September I will do my next round of clomid which is the highest dosage they can give me. So I am praying that 3rd time is the charm. If clomid and metformin dont work then I will have to go to another specialist and try more drastic meassures.

Hope, Faith and Happiness...
Despite the fear and sorrow I face with my infertility I know that there is hope. There is so much doctors can do these days with modern medicine and techniques. But even saying that there is hope, its still hard to really feel it. It is a burden to think that way, to think of the glass half empty and live in doubt. That is something I really have to work on during this trial. I have to have faith in Heavenly Father that He will not deny me a child and that He has a timeline for me. Until that time I just need to find happiness in the moment. This concept is not hard for me because I really am happy! I love Ben and he is such a support to me! My family is great and always make me feel better. I have loved this past 1 1/2 years with Ben and I am glad that we have had time to grow with one another. I know that once I have a baby I will look back at this time and think about the wonderful times I had. I will probably even miss it! Life is kind of funny like that!

P.S...this turned more into a novel, but it felt so good writing it, so thank you!
P.S.S...Pray for that baby of mine to hurry~

Its been awhile but 2 weeks ago we were in San Fransisco with my family(minus my dad) We stayed at the fabulous Motel 6 right down town which happened to be right accross the street from the goodwill (goodwill is my Neiman and Marcus!;) It was a perfect location, right down the street from our favorite diner Mels which quickley gained the name Mels and wheels. We were also only a few blocks away from Union square and China town. It was so fun being able to walk around the streets and go into the little side grocery stores. It reminded me of London. If you have never been to San Fransisco let me tell you, it seems like a foreign country. The whole time I was there I felt like I was in Europe. Its a great city but I would not want to live there perminantly. I cant take big cities. Fun to visit, a nightmare to live in. Im glad Ben and I plan on settling in Kansas! Anyway, it was a great trip and Im really glad we had the apportunity to go. Glad I get to see everyone in a month for the wedding!